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| Gun Smoke | |
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18 July 2010
Well this is my attempt at starting over. I feel like I have too much going round in my head and have no way of letting it all out. I thought writing it down might help, and then figured if its on the internet chances of anyone I know actually finding it are slim. With all the blogs out there I doubt they will come across mine, well with any luck they won't. I know what my problem is. I feel worthless. Completely useless. I feel like nobody will ever love me. I feel like I don't even deserve love. I have been bullied by my mum since I was small. Constantly put down and humiliated by her. Told how stupid I am. She had no interest in me or anything I had to say. Not much interest in what any of us had to say actually. Looking back now I think she may have been suffering from some kind of mental disorder, that would explain a lot. Either way it has affected me to the point that I wish I had never been born. She likes to put people down, even now. I watched her bully one of my brothers in the same way she did with me. She was very controlling, I am sure she did certain things knowing that we would be picked on by others for it. And the lies she used to tell were another thing, she used to lie about the stupidest things and I have no idea why. My dad was an alcoholic, I don't think he was an awful person or but drinking came first with him. I was a nervous child and I think I was an easy target for bullies in school. All through primary I had one friend only and nobody else really spoke to me. I hated school, I wanted to be invisible. One of my mums friends said recently 'We thought you were a very weird child, you used to sit in the corner and never talk' and they laughed. I thought well I was probably keeping quiet out of fear of being told to shut the fuck up. When I moved up to secondary school I stuck with the first group of girls who spoke to me because I was just grateful that they wanted to talk to me. For the next five years I was the butt of all their jokes, we had no money and even my mum made fun of me so I must have been like a novelty to them. And I was still just happy that I was in their group, even though they hurt my feelings on a regular basis. I started sleeping with guys at an early age trying to make them like me, I thought if I do something with this man he might give me a hug. That backfired, I ended up feeling worse about myself when I didn't get a hug and ended up with a reputation. Some of those men thought my reputation meant they had a right to get what they want with me either way. When I was 18 I got into a relationship with a lad who clearly didn't even like me very much let alone love me and controlled everything I did, so I lost those people I had thought were friends anyways. I decided that was more hassle than it was worth when I was 24 and stopped seeing him, and now here I am two years later still feeling totally alone and like I don't deserve to be happy. I have one parent left, my mum, and I feel so angry towards her sometimes. She lies about the past, and the things she can't lie about she laughs off. She thinks she was a great mum to me when I was young. But at the same time as feeling upset and angry I just want a normal relationship with her. As far as everyone else is concerned we have just that. I pretend that I had great parents to the people I work with. I just want to stop being angry about it. I want to feel like I matter as much as everyone else and I want to be happy some day. Hopefully this blog will help me when I am feeling low and give me a chance to sort through my memories because I don't have anyone I have been able to speak to about them.
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